Barbados “blogger” Censors Baruba Post Online

Today’s Editorial:

As a newspaper with the proud tradition and heritage of serving Barubans faithfully for almost 88 years The Post recognises the Internet has caused the news playing-field to tilt dramatically as so-called “bloggers” swamp our browsers with information largely gleaned initially from respectable print organs like ourselves.

Do we fear “bloggers?” Do we think they’ll force us print vehicles out of business? Will advertisers spend all their money with Google?

The Post’s answer to all three is a resounding “NO.”

Why? Because if they live long enough and get sufficient “hits” blogs – and the “bloggers” behind them – start to think what they publish is of any significance. You can easily spot when this happens. When the “blogger” starts to take herself – or himself – seriously.

Case in point: A Barbados “blogger” who seems most interested in the number of hits he – or she – generates on Google.

And who writes about every topic with screaming headlines as if he/she is our only source of news..

Cases in point:

Pakistan On Verge Of Collapse – Taliban Heading For Islamabad and Nuclear Weapons

Or

Swine Flu Scare Decimates International Travel – Barbados Suffers With Other Prime Destinations

And censored a trivial “comment” by a junior Post employee making fun of “Swine Flu” and “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

How do you know when your “blogger” has lost it?

When he/she becomes as irrelevant, as nutty – and irritatingly self-important – to you as the call-in radio hosts.

Swine Flu Update – No Tourist Kissing Please

Alarmed by wall-to-wall, round-the-clock news reports from North America about the rapid uncontrolled spread of swine flu the titular head of the Baruban Ministry of Health, Beauty & More & More Safer Sex, Dr. Winston J. Scantlebury MD, OBE, PhD, today issued a stern mandate to the people of Baruba in his eagerly-awaited early morning Twitter.

In 140 characters – or less – he said, “Until further notice, Barubans are hereby and henceforth warned not to kiss North American tourists arriving from Canada, Mexico and the USA. More later on my nightly Facebook.”

The Post has learned this drastic measure was prompted by a dire warning from Dr. Richard Besser, acting director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Ga.

“This is moving fast and we expect to see more cases. I advise Americans to wash their hands frequently, to cover coughs and sneezes and to stay home if they fall ill. I also urge all citizens to wear masks and not kiss or touch anyone. Especially in densely forested low-lying tropical areas.”

A leading  Baruban Shoreline Executive when asked to comment said this could severely damage his income. I’ll just have to give prolonged body-rubs with more sensitivity than usual. On the husbands too, if they ever get over their initial shyness.”

Swine Flu Symptoms – Baruba Joins Barbados Tourist Control

Reuters News Agency: (The following news bulletin flashed over our wires at 18:oo hr (ET) on Sunday 26 April, 2009)

Wishing to keep Barbados free of the latest panic pandemic from tomorrow – Monday – all passengers traveling to the island will be asked to answer 4 simple questions correctly at their port of embarkation before being allowed on their plane or ship.

1) Do you laugh when late-night comics make jokes about torture?

2) Do you believe the highest-ranking government officials who sanctioned waterboarding should be put on trial and executed if found guilty like we did to the Japanese and Germans after WWII?

3) Have you used the expression “enhanced interrogation techniques” instead of the word “torture” in the past 14 days?

4) Have you – or any member of your traveling party – been on a farm recently?

More than one “yes” and you’ll have to find yourself another tropical island paradise.

(Contacted only moments after the news flash hit the fan a Baruban Government spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous said “sounds like another wise Barbados decision. Apart from not having floodlights at the World Cup Cricket. But we’ll be doing whatever they do. Although I did enjoy “Judgement at Nurnberg.”)

Bernie Madoff Yacht Missing – Pirates of Caribbean Hunted

Baruba is today in a state of extreme alert. With citizens advised to report suspicious behavior around hidden secluded coves in the uninhabited north of the island where Pirates of the Caribbean are known to pillage, rape and plunder large luxury ocean-going yachts. And those who sail in them.

Bernie Madoff’s “Hedge Fun” Missing – Believed Pillaged, Raped & Plundered

This after “Hedge Fun” the large yacht confiscated from Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff and anchored off Baruba disappeared from its moorings late last night during another of the recent suspicious island-wide power cuts.

Brought here by an irate Madoff investor who lost his entire fortune in the so-called Ponzi scheme who hoped get some of his investment back by stealing the “Hedge Fun” under the noses of US Justice Department officials and offering it for sale on eBaY.

(Ed. There is no Extradition Treaty between Baruba and the United States.)

Announcing the greatest land, sea and air operation ever launched by Baruba, Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury OBE WAN KAN OBE yesterday told the nation “nothing will stop us eradicating this insidious disease that’s threatening to kill our lucrative luxury yacht business.”

He ordered our only helicopter to keep a sharp lookout while taking cruise sheep passengers on the “$200 for 5 minutes around the island tour”, the jeeps carrying visitors on so-called “Safari Tours” to exercise even more extreme caution than usual in isolated northern parishes and at press time “The Spirit of Baruba” the Word War II frigate donated by Italy as a peace gesture was being fueled-up with coal and the cannons and balls oiled to prepare for a possible confrontation at sea.

According to a U.S. administration spokesperson Sir Baldwin also called the White House to ask if the United States could offer succour but was told, “The entire U.S. navy is in the Caribbean right now to protect President Obama but mainly to deliver his bulletproof limo and 60 black SUV’s with tinted windows during his visit to Trinidad and/or Tobago on Wednesday so “Go Succour Yourself.”

(The Baruba Water Dog Society reminds visitors there are still a few left. They swim longer and faster and can be bought on eBaY. But hurry while stocks last.)

Pope Cancels Baruba Visit after Prime Minister Uninvites Him

When Pope Benedict XVI visits the Caribbean next month he emphatically will not be be stopping-over in Baruba. This is the clear message coming out of the Vatican today.

The question is was he pushed or did he fall?

For weeks now Baruba’s Catholic faithful have been hoping and praying the island’s controversial ‘Compulsory Condoms For All” (CCFA) campaign – financed by China – would not cause the Pontiff to skip the ceremonial kissing the airport runway ceremony at Baruba’s Island Hopping, Intercontinental & Interplanetary Space and Winged Flight Centre.

But an announcement on Friday by Baruba’s defiant Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury OBE WAN KAN OBE proved to be the last nail in the coffin of ecumenical co-operation.

Appearing on the popular Baruba Broad Band Broadcasting Corporation’s (BBBBC) Town Hall meeting last Friday Mr. Scantlebury admitted to a questioner the Vatican had asked for the CCFA programme to be suspended during the Pope’s planned visit.

“No way. Once we start a programme funded by the taxpayers at their request I’m not having some dude from Rome in fancy dress and lace-fringed shoes interfering in our affairs.”

Members of the Baruban Beachfront Villa Maid & Butler Union (VIMBUN) and owners of Baruba’s 3 luxury hotels fearing a Catholic tourist backlash during these dire economic times petitioned the Prime Minister’s office asking for a temporary injection allowing the suspension of free condoms delivered with the gas, electricity and water bills.

Sir Gladstone Scantlebury CBE & BAR, Chairman of the Baruba Public Relations & Tourism Promotion Authority (BARPSTAUTH), said “Not to worry. When this manure hits the fan everyone will be talking and Googling about Baruba and coming here to take advantage of the “Compulsory 20 Free Condoms” given to every visitor on arrival.

Rihanna tells Brown “I deserved it” in Baruba

In a world exclusive The Pooffington Heist reports Rihanna is currently in Baruba with still-boyfriend Chris Brown.

Here is the report (edited for a family newspaper) reproduced with permission from the Heist*.

“Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together, The Pooffington Heist has learned exclusively.

According to a spokesperson for Def Doodoo Records, the pair have reunited almost three weeks after Brown, 19, allegedly battered the “Umbrella” singer into unconsciousness, breaking her jaw and causing other facial injuries requiring extensive dental reconstruction and cosmetic plastic surgery on Feb. 8.

Diddy Villa, Baruba, W.I.

“They’re together again. They care for each other,” says the spokesperson who needs to remain anonymous to avoid revealing his name to Las Vegas police seeking witnesses to a recent record-company related drive-by multiple murder.

The Heist tracked-down the on-again couple to one of Sean “Diddy” Combs’s many homes on the tiny tropical island paradise of Baruba.

“While Chris is reflective and saddened about what happened,” said Combs, “he’s willing to forgive the woman he loves and will drop all charges against himself if she publicly blames herself.”

He said Rihanna called Brown on her 21st birthday one week ago.

“He grudgingly wished her happy birthday and when she said she deserved the beating for accusing him of wanting to f**k Alicia Keyes and apologised for having her jaw broken he suggested they get back together for a trial period to write some rap s**t.

“They’ve started the healing process writing s**t for a joint album we’ll be releasing in May, and I like what I’m hearing.”

Dr. Sylvia Chew, Head of the California Institute for Spousal Abuse in Malibu said she doubted reports put out by any record company facing staggering potential losses if Brown goes to jail.

“I’m told one of their new rap songs is ‘I said I loved you even when you f****d-up my face and beat the s**t out of me, but I lied,’ which if true is a cry for help from a little child needing a father and suffering from acute Stockholm Syndrome.”

© The Pooffington Heist 2009 – All reproduction expressly forbidden without adequate protection.

“Baruba Most Advanced Caribbean Web Nation” – Bill Gates

In an exclusive Post video interview yesterday Microsoft’s Chairman Emeritus Bill Gates lauded tiny Baruba as the most advanced nation in the region as measured by its extensive use of the Internet for commerce and education.

A Caribbean-wide survey commissioned by Microsoft and conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Digital Statistics Department published today shows Baruba has the highest penetration of Broadband services in the Western Hemisphere and the highest usage of online banking of any nation except Sweden, Denmark, South Korea and The Peoples’ Democratic Republic of Palau.

Survey leader Allen Rosenshine said 96% of all Baruban households have ultra-high-speed Internet connections and of these over 82% conduct all their banking business online. “A staggering percentage,” said Rosenshine, “when you consider only 57% of American households have Broadband and only a small percentage of these bank online.”

“The reason for these high figures is easily explained” said Bill Gates. “When companies allow their customers to pay their bills online it increases loyalty towards the firms who offer it because these days people simply don’t want to write checks and put them in the post like we did before the Internet was invented. I don’t want to make comparisons but isn’t it strange that Baruba is so developed while bigger neighbouring islands like Barbados, for example, have a shockingly low rate of online banking.

“Why even the Bajan electricity provider doesn’t allow online payments. And DirecTV in Barbados is even more antiquated. They issue hand-written receipts with postage stamps on them. When was the last time you saw one of those?

“DirecTV’s owner, my close buddy Rupert Murdoch, is having a terminal financial meltdown since he paid twice as much as he should have for the Wall Street Journal. When I next see him I’ll tell him he can save a bundle by not sticking stamps on hand-written receipts.”

Baruba tells U.S. “Get Lost!”

Millions of West Indians throughout the Caribbean are today queuing outside banks in scorching temperatures trying to retrieve their savings after the collapse of the Stanford financial shell game.

Reuters reports the situation is especially acute in Antigua and Barbuda (not to be confused with Baruba) where the government there is desperately trying to borrow money from Colombian loan sharks to shore up the economy. After admitting it is incapable of covering lost savings due to insufficient funds in the National Bank.

Not coincidentally, incidentally, in the midst of the current economic crunch, the U.S. Justice Department is also targeting banks around the world known to take deposits from wealthy Americans seeking to launder money and evade taxes. FOX News yesterday reported illegal overseas deposits by U.S. citizens currently amount to over $14.8 billion.

“The initial thrust is in Switzerland,” said John Amaretti, CEO of World Fast Cash Inc., a Miami-based competitor to Western Union specialising in international money transfers, “but it won’t be long before all banks get a knock on the vault door.”

A spokesperson for the Royal Bank of Baruba (ROB-BAR) today urged Barubans “to remain calm and go about your business peaceably.”

“There is no risk of your deposits being compromised. We have assets well in excess of those of some leading Swiss banks and as far as the U.S. authorities coming here to investigate our customer list we’ve sent President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton and the U.S. Ambassador to Baruba, a stern text message warning them dire consequences will follow if the threat is carried out.”

As a possible first step Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury OBE WAN KAN OBE told the Post he is preparing a draft of a bill to be submitted to parliament in emergency session “freezing all American diplomats and government officials currently on the island.”

(After The Post went to press a spokesperson in the PM’s office called to say Mr. Scantlebury had misspoken. He meant to say “all American diplomats and government officials with bank accounts currently on the island.”)

Sir Allen Stanford – Baruba is not Barbuda

“We have – and want – nothing to do with Sir Allen Stanford. Baruba is not Barbuda.”

With this terse statement the Royal Bank of Baruba (ROB-BAR) today distanced itself from the furore surrounding Stanford, charged Tuesday with a “massive” $8.5bn (£6bn) fraud at his Antigua and Barbuda based bank.

A spokesperson for ROB-BAR said no further comment would be forthcoming and asked for all donations to be made out to the ROB-BAR Fund for Barubans who have lost their life savings by depositing with Stanford’s bank or Iceland.

Blackburn Rovers Bid – British Lord, Home Secretary and Scolari in Consortium

POST EXCLUSIVE:

In a move guaranteed to put tiny Baruba on the world map a select consortium comprising Lord Ewoodpark, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and recently-fired-by-Chelsea Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari today announced a really hostile £47.5 million “take-it-or-leave-it” all-hard-currency-cash bid to buy English Premiership strugglers Blackburn Rovers.

Lord Ewoodpark

From his walled and gated estate abutting Baruba’s world-famous 4-mile-long pure white and very sandy Sir Anthony Eden Beach Lord Ewoodpark told the Post this fulfilled a lifelong dream of his.

With eyes tearing, he recalled as an 8-year-old, the eldest son of a Livesey Branch Road chicken farmer, the thrill he felt when “t’Rovers” scored a goal or penalty and the roar could be heard on the farm a good two miles away from the ground.

He smiled, remembering his dad cashing-in royally by turning his field into a car park on big FA Cup days and when the Rovers pressed for First Division leadership in the 1950’s and early 60’s.

“One Saturday, when the Rovers played Liverpool, I think – I must have been around ten then – we had so many cars to park,” Lord Ewoodpark smiled wistfully. “This is the exact moment I decided to devote my entire life to making money when I cleaned-up cleaning windows for sixpence each window and made a handsome total of £2-7s-6p.”

The rest of the Lord Ewoodpark saga is legendary. According to Wikipedia and the House of Lords website, after renouncing advanced learning and leaving Blackburn Technical & Grammar School at the age of 16, David Marsden – for this was the name of the ambitious poultry-farm sprossling – formed roving gangs of cash- and education-starved youths (The now-defunct Daily Herald called them “louts”) to clean windows, rims and spokes at major public events. (Motto: “Remove All Valuables, Lock All Doors & Close All Windows – Or Else!)

Starting in East Lancashire the concept blossomed throughout the North of England and reached its zenith when Marsden was awarded Wembley Stadium’s exclusive parking franchise. Which, of course, he expanded into the iconic blue and white quartered “Park ‘n Feed ‘n Eat Real Good” fleet of vans now seen at all big matches, offering burgers, fish, chips, mushy peas and non-alcoholic beverages and acquired by the mammoth Diaego company in 1999.

Knighted in 2001 for his services to The Bank of England for using only British construction companies and British-made JCB equipment to build immense walled and gated condominiums on pristine tropical island beaches Sir Dave – as he insisted on being called – moved permanently to Baruba after being elevated to the House of Lords in late 2001.

Precisely on the very day before the Royal Bank of Vaduz in Liechtenstein (ROB-VAD) – in complete confidence – gave the British goverment a list of blatant U.K. tax evaders and peers buying titles and/or contributing illegal hard-currency donations to the Labour Party through Caribbean banks. Only when the laptop containing this list was left on a fast train to Zurich and opened by crack Swiss authorities did Lord Ewoodpark’s name and those of 74 other “Nobles” reach the public.

By then it didn’t matter. Lord Ewoodpark was already safely ensconced here in Baruba with his assets used to buy majority owership in the Royal Bank of Baruba (ROB-BAR.)

As a welcoming gesture Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury OBE, WAN, KAN, OBE granted the once-humble-Lancashire-lad Baruban citizenship and permanent residence in a lavish beach party where the guests enjoyed entertainment by the ageless Cliff Richard upon which most took off all their clothes.

Lord Ewoodpark was reluctant to talk specifically about the Blackburn Rovers bid. Saying only, “Until their board comes to its senses and realises they’ll never get a better deal and anyway the Home Secretary is introducing a Bill in Parliament giving her the power to approve or disapprove the sale of all Premiership clubs.”

Jacqui Smith alone, and safe at night in Baruba

When asked about the Home Secretary’s financial involvement in the bid Lord Ewoodpark turned decidedly coy. “Jacqui and I are just good friends from way back. I’ve given her the 10-bedroom villa next to mine free of charge for as long as Labour remain in power and since she claims permanent residence in Baruba for tax reasons and flies here as often as she likes in First Class as the guest of Sir Richard Branson as long as Labour remain in power I don’t want to draw unnescessary attention to her. But she has asked me to assure you all she feels safe walking alone at night on Baruba beaches.”

And Luiz Felipe Scolari? Lord Ewoodpark turned even more skittish. “We haven’t actually spoken to him yet but Rule 1 when making a really hostile bid for a Premiership club big names count, so you’re expected to toss off a few from football’s royalty. To raise the true fans’ hopes and get their support. We’re also talking to Sepp Blatter, Gary Lineker, Kaka, AC Milan’s Andrea Bocelli and Madonna.

(Correction: Lord Ewoodpark called after the interview to tell us he meant Andrea Pirlo and Maradona but if Madonna’s interested so’s he.)