Blackburn Rovers Bid – British Lord, Home Secretary and Scolari in Consortium

POST EXCLUSIVE:

In a move guaranteed to put tiny Baruba on the world map a select consortium comprising Lord Ewoodpark, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and recently-fired-by-Chelsea Brazilian coach Luiz Felipe Scolari today announced a really hostile £47.5 million “take-it-or-leave-it” all-hard-currency-cash bid to buy English Premiership strugglers Blackburn Rovers.

Lord Ewoodpark

From his walled and gated estate abutting Baruba’s world-famous 4-mile-long pure white and very sandy Sir Anthony Eden Beach Lord Ewoodpark told the Post this fulfilled a lifelong dream of his.

With eyes tearing, he recalled as an 8-year-old, the eldest son of a Livesey Branch Road chicken farmer, the thrill he felt when “t’Rovers” scored a goal or penalty and the roar could be heard on the farm a good two miles away from the ground.

He smiled, remembering his dad cashing-in royally by turning his field into a car park on big FA Cup days and when the Rovers pressed for First Division leadership in the 1950’s and early 60’s.

“One Saturday, when the Rovers played Liverpool, I think – I must have been around ten then – we had so many cars to park,” Lord Ewoodpark smiled wistfully. “This is the exact moment I decided to devote my entire life to making money when I cleaned-up cleaning windows for sixpence each window and made a handsome total of £2-7s-6p.”

The rest of the Lord Ewoodpark saga is legendary. According to Wikipedia and the House of Lords website, after renouncing advanced learning and leaving Blackburn Technical & Grammar School at the age of 16, David Marsden – for this was the name of the ambitious poultry-farm sprossling – formed roving gangs of cash- and education-starved youths (The now-defunct Daily Herald called them “louts”) to clean windows, rims and spokes at major public events. (Motto: “Remove All Valuables, Lock All Doors & Close All Windows – Or Else!)

Starting in East Lancashire the concept blossomed throughout the North of England and reached its zenith when Marsden was awarded Wembley Stadium’s exclusive parking franchise. Which, of course, he expanded into the iconic blue and white quartered “Park ‘n Feed ‘n Eat Real Good” fleet of vans now seen at all big matches, offering burgers, fish, chips, mushy peas and non-alcoholic beverages and acquired by the mammoth Diaego company in 1999.

Knighted in 2001 for his services to The Bank of England for using only British construction companies and British-made JCB equipment to build immense walled and gated condominiums on pristine tropical island beaches Sir Dave – as he insisted on being called – moved permanently to Baruba after being elevated to the House of Lords in late 2001.

Precisely on the very day before the Royal Bank of Vaduz in Liechtenstein (ROB-VAD) – in complete confidence – gave the British goverment a list of blatant U.K. tax evaders and peers buying titles and/or contributing illegal hard-currency donations to the Labour Party through Caribbean banks. Only when the laptop containing this list was left on a fast train to Zurich and opened by crack Swiss authorities did Lord Ewoodpark’s name and those of 74 other “Nobles” reach the public.

By then it didn’t matter. Lord Ewoodpark was already safely ensconced here in Baruba with his assets used to buy majority owership in the Royal Bank of Baruba (ROB-BAR.)

As a welcoming gesture Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury OBE, WAN, KAN, OBE granted the once-humble-Lancashire-lad Baruban citizenship and permanent residence in a lavish beach party where the guests enjoyed entertainment by the ageless Cliff Richard upon which most took off all their clothes.

Lord Ewoodpark was reluctant to talk specifically about the Blackburn Rovers bid. Saying only, “Until their board comes to its senses and realises they’ll never get a better deal and anyway the Home Secretary is introducing a Bill in Parliament giving her the power to approve or disapprove the sale of all Premiership clubs.”

Jacqui Smith alone, and safe at night in Baruba

When asked about the Home Secretary’s financial involvement in the bid Lord Ewoodpark turned decidedly coy. “Jacqui and I are just good friends from way back. I’ve given her the 10-bedroom villa next to mine free of charge for as long as Labour remain in power and since she claims permanent residence in Baruba for tax reasons and flies here as often as she likes in First Class as the guest of Sir Richard Branson as long as Labour remain in power I don’t want to draw unnescessary attention to her. But she has asked me to assure you all she feels safe walking alone at night on Baruba beaches.”

And Luiz Felipe Scolari? Lord Ewoodpark turned even more skittish. “We haven’t actually spoken to him yet but Rule 1 when making a really hostile bid for a Premiership club big names count, so you’re expected to toss off a few from football’s royalty. To raise the true fans’ hopes and get their support. We’re also talking to Sepp Blatter, Gary Lineker, Kaka, AC Milan’s Andrea Bocelli and Madonna.

(Correction: Lord Ewoodpark called after the interview to tell us he meant Andrea Pirlo and Maradona but if Madonna’s interested so’s he.)

Madonna Divorce – Guy Gets Baruba Villa

Today’s British papers have only one theme. The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce. According to Reuters – who should know – under the terms of the finalised agreement the perpetually tireless ageing diva will pay Guy exactly 77 million Euros (BARB$206,501,680.00) to get rid of him.

The figure would have been considerably higher had not Ritchie told the BBC his soon-to-be-ex-wife looked like a “grandma” in her current world tour when dancing next to the young men she likes to surround herself with.

All this would normally be of little interest to Barubans but the split could affect the island’s unemployment statistics.

Because the couple own the biggest beachfront villa on the island and are known to employ a permanent staff of 208. Located midway between Hightown and Red Rock on the right heading south to Bridgeport the grotesque building called “Sands” has been troubled since it was completed in 2003. And not only for its monstrous size totally out of proportion when compared to other Baruban luxury dwellings.

Tales of drug-fueled orgies have circulated for years and although the Madonna/Ritchie couple could never be linked to them grainy video exists of stoned Milk Carton heirs and heiresses entertaining U.S. Embassy officials butt-naked in the Olympic-sized jaccuzzi.

The Baruban Beachfront Villa Maid & Butler Union (VIMBUN) reacted swiftly to today’s news. “With Cable & Wireless simultaneously sacking 250 workers in their Call Centre and changing their corporate name accurately to LEMON to hide the fact the island’s unemployment rate could rise precipitously.”

“With the current influx of investment bankers claiming Baruban citizenship to protect their villas, stash their golden parachutes and avoid US Security Department arrest warrants we’ll probably find work for all Madonna staff. But we are nevertheless gravely concerned. Who we gonna’ call when we have our twice-daily landline, mobile and Internet outages?”

For exciting careers at Lehman Brothers