Facing Bankruptcy, Home Foreclosure? – Baruba Understands

Great news for the people of Great Britain and citizens of all the cricket-playing member nations of the Commonwealth except Zimbabwe.

Baruba understands.

As the world enters a recession that shows every sign of developing into the worst since the Second World War, with unemployment worldwide soaring above 950 million by next year, not counting the 2.3 billion permanently without jobs since the Second World War.

The Post has learned from an anonymous source under strict instructions to leak the news a trickle at a time that in a late night cabinet meeting yesterday Prime Minister Sir Baldwin J. Scantlebury QC, OBE, WAN, KAN, OBE, SAT & KFC outlined far-reaching plans to enable people holding British and cricket-playing Commonwealth passports (Ed. Not Zimbabwe.) to come to Baruba despite the current apocalyptic global credit crunch.

Virgin Atlantic has already agreed to participate in the scheme by offering two free seats for every seat bought at full price. A Virgin spokesperson told the Post, “This is to encourage large families to travel. As you can see a family comprising mother and father and ten children over the age of 18 months will pay only for three seats – or is it four, I’m not good at maths – but it’s a darn good bargain by anyone’s reckoning.

Baruban hotels and restaurants have also signed-up to offer drastically-reduced bargain-basement deals.

How can Baruba afford to be so generous?

According to another anonymous spokesperson not allowed to reveal anything this entire magnanimous gesture in underwritten by LIME  (formerly Cable & Wireless and/or C & W.)

By diverting revenue paid to the Baruban government – no questions asked – for telephone monopoly concessions ever since C & W laid the first undersea cable from Barbados to Baruba in 1846 before there was any use for it. Last year the figure approached $68 million not including the $190 million which was entered into the local economy during the same period.

Asked if this was a good investment a spokesperson close to LIME’s chief executive officer Richard Dodd thought to be in Barbados discussing a simliar scheme there said, “Barubans are the world’s leading text messengers based on population so this is our way of thenking them for their loyal support. It’s also of no concern to us what the Baruban government does with the annual “kickback” – please don’t print that – hmnn…license fee we give them in non-consecutive $100 bills.

“And – but please don’t print this either – it’ll force Digicel out of Baruba, in the first of many Caribbean islands we hope, until our parent company Cable & Wireless pLc is bought by the Abu Dhabi Telegraph, Internet & Telephone Corporation – AB-DAB-TIT – as soon as they’ve wrapped-up buying Liverpool FC with the British Pound at the lowest rate since the Second World War.

“Or maybe since we laid that cable from Barbados but I’m not good at history or maths either but it’s a darn long time by anyone’s reckoning.”